Worn at the heel

2010-07-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

Long time no talk blogger land. These past few months have been a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and events.

As I had mentioned back in April, I was laid off from my job at the publishing company. Not much has changed as far as my employment. My mental health, however, has gone through an extensive journey. The first couple of months of my unemployment were stressful and trying. I found myself sleeping more, caring less and over all apathetic towards the world. I put little effort into finding a job and a lot of effort into constantly being upset and angry. Slowly hating the person I was turning into, I finally decided that I needed to be happy again. Was this lay-off a major setback? Yes. But it could also be the start to a new path in my life.

I have always been intrigued by meditation. I liked the idea of finding peace, serenity and spirituality through meditation over relying on a religion. I'm not a religious person and my ideas of 'god' are still askew. I don't want to find a higher power to understand myself. I want clarity to understand myself, so I started meditating. I don't believe I have reached a divine state of peace and happiness, but I have over all started thinking more rationally and for that feeling much better. I have applied for a lot of jobs, I have even had a good interview, I have been doing free lance work and come this December I will be officially (and finally) graduated.

Until I start making a decent, steady income, there will still be some days where I stress myself into a frenzy about how I'm going to pay for my rent or bills or how I'm going to eat, but for the most part, I think I'm slowly finding contentment in my life.

2010-05-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

As the summer days start to approach, I crave meals that are light and fresh. Last night's meal: Cherry tomatoes, asparagus, onions cooked in white wine and olive oil over white rice. A meal inspired by one of grown-uplessons.com's most tempting looking dishes (although, admittedly, her's looked better, haha)

This image was not edited, those tomatoes are just that red.

2010-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was sitting in my bedroom, observing all the little knick-knacks I had collected over the years. Some things have sentimental value, some of the things I just find enjoyable to keep around. Either way, I thought it would be fun to share some of these knick-knacks:

This brooch used to be my mother's. I love cameo's, she does not. It was a pleasant surprise in a box my mom sent me for my birthday.

This ring is my all-time favorite piece of jewelry. I wear it everyday with every outfit. I spent a summer in New York on a scavenger hunt for a particular ring that I had seen in a movie, but this one stole my heart and it fit! PERFECTLY! It was destiny.

My window statues. An interesting array of creatures placed together on my windowsill to keep an eye on my bedroom. From left to right: An elephant (favorite animal), Buddha (in one form), gargoyle and King Henry VIII

My two favorite of the statues are the gargoyle and King Henry VIII. I found the gargoyle in the basement of my apartment building. He is without a foot on his right side, but that adds to the charm of it. The King Henry VIII statue is just, in my opinion, a riot. There is an artist who makes a bunch of famous people throughout the years and I was immediately drawn to the King Henry, mainly because I'm incredibly fascinated about that period, but also because how many people have a statue of King Henry VIII laying around their apartment? Not many.

My jewelry box, displaying my ring. It's organized by earrings, rings and bracelets & brooches. Necklaces are hung on the wall.
Just another view of the little jewelry box. I have more jewelry stored away in another jewelry box i keep under my bed, these are pieces I wear frequently.

While cleaning out my room I found an old 4x5 negative I did for my studio photography class 2 years ago. I decided to display it on my window. By the way, that is not me in the picture. :p

2010-04-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

It's amazing me how drastically events in your life can unfold and completely alter your whole perception of yourself. There is a reason people tell you to never take life for granted, live life to the fullest, live as if tomorrow you may die, because you never know the type of curve balls that might be thrown your way.

Two weeks ago I was laid off from my job. I had had an inkling for some time that something of this nature would occur, I just didn't think it would be so sudden and I thought I would have received more than a two day notice. While the lay off was for financial reasons, and nothing based around my performance, I couldn't help feeling like I had failed in my young life. Things were going swimmingly: Good job, steady income, decent savings, comfortable apartment, compassionate friends and a supportive family. And then in a matter of a 10 minute conversation, all of that disappeared.

After two weeks of grieving and intermittently working on a résumé, website and cover letters, I am finally starting to pull myself out of this dormant state I had put myself in and am asking myself the question: What do you want to do with your life?

The anwer: A lot. But where do I start?

The easy answer would be to apply for jobs that are related to my previous job, but I'm not sure if that is what I want to do. Like every other young adult in the world, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I love a lot of things, but I am passionate about little. There are many careers I can take on in my life, so long as I don't make a career out of switching jobs. For now, I have decided to not set up a path or a goal. Instead, I will observe job openings and apply for whatever sounds interesting to me in hopes that maybe one of them will pop out and say, "You want to do this for the rest of your life." It's a far fetched idea, but what is the harm in trying?

2010-03-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

It seems like I have the most intriguing conversations at work with my co-workers on a daily basis. I finally decided that I would start blogging about them (my co-worker Joanna might have had something to do with the idea.)

Today's topic: What the hell is tofu?

Now, I have been a vegetarian for almost 6 years. I do know what tofu is, but when faced with the challenge of explaining it, you realize, you really don't know what it is. Embarrassing. The topic arose today when my co-worker, Kathy, was eating some Tofutti ice cream (which I happen to love.) Joanna asked what the ice cream was made of, and Kathy said, "Soy." This is where the conversation became confusing. If the ice cream is made from soy, then why is it called Tofutti?

I've always known that tofu is bean curd, so I simply pointed out that soy bean curd is tofu! That's when Kathy asked, "What's a curd?" Good question. What is curd? Turns out tofu is nothing more then coagulated soymilk. My appetite for tofu and all things associated with it, slightly diminished. Not that "bean curd" sounds particularly appetizing, but the minute you throw "coagulated" into the mix, I begin to question what I'm consuming.

Our conversations at work all seem very random. One minute you're processing email lists, next thing you know you're singing "Sugalumps" by Flight of the Conchords, questioning why it's called a semi-truck and how big is the regular truck then? Where did the origin of "right as rain" come from? Why do we use the Gregorian calendar instead of the Mayan calendar? And so on and so forth. Some conversations lack humor unless present, some conversations: classic. Look for more to come.

2010-03-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend I made a trip to visit my sister. It's always nice visiting her because it's a break from the hustle and bustle of the city. We usually do something simple like go shopping or go to the movies and then spend the evening in her house watching episodes of Giada and drinking wine. This weekend was no exception. We saw Alice in Wonderland (I'm still indifferent), had dinner at this little italian restaurant and then watched Julie and Julia and countless episodes of Giada. My two favorite things: Food and movies.

The past few weeks have been particularly rough on me. Between work, school, bills, apartment cleaning, social gatherings and suffering a most annoying sinus infection, I have been worn out and tired. This week, however, I have off from classes and my parents are coming to visit. I have no obligations to do homework when I get home from work, so today while at work I came to the decision that I was going to make something special for myself for dinner. After bad work/school weeks, which lead to bad eating habits, and after watching all those cooking shows and movies, I wanted to make something I hadn't had in a while and hadn't made myself before. During my lunch break at work I went to the food store (a term I use to refer to the supermarket or grocery store) and grabbed fresh basil, parmesan reggiano, pine nuts, ciabatta bread, spinach and tomatoes. I decided I was going to make myself pesto bruschetta.

Aside from the unknowingly expensive cheese ($15!!!!) the dinner exceeded all my expectations. I cooked the bread in olive oil so that it browned on each side. I chopped up the tomatoes, dressed them in olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic powder and a pinch of onion salt. I put the basil, pine nuts, parmesan and olive oil into the food processor to make the pesto. I spread the pesto on the slices of bread and covered each piece with the seasoned tomatoes. I then chopped some left over basil and grated some extra cheese for decoration. I had some tomatoes and juice from the tomatoes left over in my bowl so I threw some of the spinach in, threw in a dash of white wine vinegar and voila! Dinner. Simple. Fresh. And if I may, delicious. Pesto bruschetta is officially added to the dinner menu for Friday night's dinner for the visiting parents.

You know what I love about pesto? Everything. You can put it on pasta, on bread, on sandwiches, use it as a dip. It's just so good.

2010-03-11T08:36:00.001-08:00

Yesterday the air was warm, hinting at the first signs of spring. I wanted to be out and about int he inviting weather instead of cooped up in a stuffy office, but alas, my responsible sensibility outweighed my yearning. Spring, like fall, is when I feel my most creative. The winter's bleakness can be too depressing, while the summer's heat can be too oppressing. All the new freshness of spring is inspiring. I want to read, write, draw, paint, cook, sew, create. Mainly, in the spring, I like to bake. Fresh blueberry muffins, strawberry cupcakes, fruit tarts, basically anything that's sweet, tangy and colorful. This year, I got the creative bug early and started cooking for big groups of friends. One of my greatest pleasures in life is enjoying home prepared meals with close friends. A few Sunday's ago I prepared breakfast for 8 and for the Academy Awards I prepared dinner for 7. Both were a tremendous, much discussed, sensation.

For the breakfast I made:

- Scrambled eggs with seasoning and cheese

- Toast

- Crêpes ala me (thicker and sweeter)

- Fresh cut strawberries

- Melted Nutella mixed with heavy whipping cream, perfect drizzling over your strawberry filled crêpe

- Powdered sugar and whipped cream for decoration

- Coffee and Orange juice

Melted Nutella...don't you just want to eat it?

We call this a cooking incident.

They tasted as good as they look.

For the Academy Awards dinner I made:

- Wild rice with cranberries, pecans, orange zest, lemon juice, pinch of cinnamon and sugar, chilled

- Homemade artichoke hummus with toasted ciabatta slices

- Warm mushroom salad courtesy of Smittenkitchen.com

Forgive the dinner pictures. It was a last minute decision to take pictures and my SLR battery was not charged :)

I love to cook and entertain. There is therapy in the cooking and joy in making other people happy and full. I want to experiment with more fun dishes and try to steer away from the boring norm. No more pasta and pizza for me unless it wears some pizazz.

2010-01-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

As Ellen DeGeneres once said, "The world is filled with the wrong kind of people." After several months riding a commuter train to and from work and dealing with city folk daily, I find this statement to be incredibly true. Now, I'm not sure what Ellen means when she says wrong kind of people, but to me the wrong kind of people usually fit this description: rude, arrogant, selfish, disrespectful, ignorant, demanding and after a while I start to sound redundant. I like to think that I live my life by the golden rule: "Do to others as you would have them do to you." The idea of karma: if you want good things to happen to you, then do good things. However, in this fast-paced, over-worked, self-indulgent society I get more anger and anguish than love and support.

Yesterday I was riding the train home from work. I was tired, hungry and perhaps a little more cranky than was possibly called for. When the train approached, I pushed my way on. I usually wait for a few trains to pass, since I am in the belief that I can wait for my destination unless I'm on a time frame, however, last night all I wanted to do was get home. I loaded on, walked midway down the tight pathway and had to stop because a man sitting down had his body out in the pathway. Wrong kind of person #1. I grabbed the handle of his seat, but just because he had created a blockade for me didn't mean he would prevent people from boarding onto the train. Within a few minutes I felt the pressure of 10 unknown people's weight on my side. To keep balance I leaned my upper torso left and let my hips hang right, all while holding my book under my arm, holding on to the handle of the seat with the tips of my fingers and preventing my bag from slipping off my shoulder. Mission fail. As soon as the train started forward my purse took a leap from my shoulder to my inner elbow, pulling me down slightly, putting more strain on my fingers so desperately trying to hold grip of that handle. I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead and the back of my neck was on fire. Wrong kind of people #2-14. If the train is packed to capacity, please stop trying to force yourself on. At this point, I'd like to offer some advice to daily commuters, but I'll wait until the end.

At the next stop I found a minute to pull my purse up and position my book better, so that it wouldn't fall to the ground, covering all my lovely pages in dirt and salt. The train started up again and my body tried desperately to keep it's balance, causing an enormous strain on my arms and back. (I suppose I failed to mention I was also wearing heels. Eek!) My level of crankiness escalated 4 fold at this point. It took every fiber of my being to remain calm and rational. The only thing that could have pushed me over the edge was the act of an incredibly rude person. It must have been my lucky day, because that is exactly what happened next. As the train rounded corners, causing all body weight to shift back and forth, I felt the full force of someones hands on my back, right before I doubled over the man sitting in the pathway. My purse, once again vacated my shoulder, my book was being held to my side with my elbow. As I got ready to lean up to find out who this person was, I felt another forceful push into my lower backside, straightening my body up for me. I turned to find a woman pushing her way through a crowd saying "Um, my stop is next.(How dare you not know this! Do you know who I am? Get the fuck out of my way! I'm so important that I take public transportation!)" No 'Excuse me', no 'Sorry for shoving you into another human being', just full on arrogance. I could have insulated my home with the thickness of her ego. I nearly lost it, but at the last minute managed to keep it together. What would screaming or exhaling heavily done? Nothing. So why waste the energy? A few more girls on cell phones and men reading papers, elbowing me as they get lost in their own world before I made it to my stop, all in one piece.Some tips for commuters: 1) Reading your paper wide open on a crowded train: Unacceptable. I appreciate your need to be up to date with your news. In fact, I find it refreshing to see newspapers on a train in such a technologically advanced world, but save it for a more space efficient area. 2) Texters and Kindle users alike: Despite being lost in your own world, you are NOT in your own world. There are actually several millions of people surrounding you daily. Before you decide to start walking or side step, remove eyes from electronic device, locate your new position, move and then continue texting. No one likes their toes stepped on. 3) People with an attitude: We all hate being cramped in a tight-confined-germ infested area, but please, leave the attitude at home. You pushing, shoving and cursing at people doesn't make your travel any better, especially now that you've pissed off some potentially insane people. 4) And lastly (although I could go on all day) people in seats: Respect (you know, like the Aretha Franklin song?). If you see someone who is older, with crutches, has a baby, has an over abundance of items in their hands or are just straight up struggle, and you are a fully capable young person with two legs and an ipod, get up from your seat and give it to someone who really needs it. Let's not let laziness be our best feature. Doing the considerate, generous and over-all right thing should be your best feature.

I understand that when the train is full, it is sometimes impossible to execute anything other than seemingly rude actions, but when there is space, utilize it. These rules don't just apply to trains, although they're generalized around that. Rudeness is never okay. Texting while walking, driving or doing anything aside from sitting or standing still is not okay. And so on and so forth.

2010-01-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

These past few months have some how whisked me off my feet and have dropped me in an unfamiliar surrounding. It seems like October was a distant, far memory. A memory where I was more composed and self-actualized. It seemed like I had a good grasp on myself and the type of person I wanted to be, but then something inside me changed. I can almost remember the exact moment in which it changed and how it changed me. It seems so stupid now, looking back at it all, that something so simple, so mundane, so unimportant could make such a huge impact on my next few months. To spare myself any sort of embarrassment, I will refrain from any major details, but I will glaze over the evident details that everyone already saw.

This past New Year's Eve I was a drunken, slovenly mess. I stumbled around, said ridiculous things that, for the most part, have since escaped my memory and did things that, under any other circumstance, I would never even dream of doing. At the time it all seemed like "all in good fun" and that is not to say that I didn't have fun. When I woke the next morning in my friend's apartment, I made my way to the kitchen where a small congregation had already started. Over pancakes and coffee I made the comment "I think it's time I don't drink so much anymore." A good friend, who's opinion I hold higher than anyone's, says to me, "Yeah. We've heard that one before." A swift kick in the stomach and slap in the face. At that moment I realized that these past few months, I had become to person I had always hated. The person who I ridiculed at bars and parties. I thought back on the last few months intently and realized that most of my stories consisted of alcohol. Now, let me make this clear, I am not an alcoholic. I don't have a dependency upon it. I was fully aware of my drinking and I did it to have fun. I did it to impress because it seemed like all my friends were doing it. A lame excuse, I know. An excuse that I would never accept from anyone else, but I never drank on the job, I never came to work drunk, I never went to class drunk, I never drank alone and I never hid it. It was always in the company of friends. I never got into a fight, never ended up in jail, never made a sexual mistake, never did anything so bad that it ruined me for good, just a few minor regrets here and there, but it was that one comment that made me realize I needed to start walking my talk. Had it become a crutch for me? Yes. I won't deny that. Through tough times at work, school, family and personal life, I did look to drinking as a type of escape, but it had gotten too far for me. I was never this girl. I was always the good girl.

I'm a dreamer by nature. Movies, books, songs and arts of all types have the over all power to change my character and make me be something else. Watching a movie about traveling to India instinctively makes me want to travel to India. Reading a book about a chef convinces me that I should sign up for culinary school. When I get excited about these new phenomenons, I want to share them with my friends. I can't even begin to count how many different ideas I have told my friends. They've heard me go from world traveler to ASL translator to musician to actor to stand up comedian to website designer etc. etc. etc. I've made some big talk in my time and have lived out very few of these dreams. It's not that I'm a liar. I don't say these things in hopes that people will fawn over me and want to live vicariously through me. I say these things because I hope that if I say them out loud, then maybe they would come true. Maybe I would force myself to fill out those culinary school applications, or look further into grad schools for American Sign Language, or sell all my personal belongings and a buy a one way ticket to Europe. Having a friend point out, though, that I've said something before and have yet to act on it was a real eye opener.

That's why I have decided that, with the new year, I was going to make some changes. I was going to finally work a little harder towards some of those goals and start living up to all the talk I have filled people's heads with. Could this be another big talk of mine? Possibly, but I hope not. So here's to 2010 being the year when I put the pieces back together. To becoming the person I always hoped I would be.

2009-10-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a favorite song? A song that makes me feel good all over, right down to your core? A song that every time it comes on the radio you shush everyone, even though you've heard it a thousand times and you either sing a long with the words or just sit there, smiling, letting the rhythm guide your body and the lyrics touch your heart and mind? The best part about the song is it being inexplicably loved. When you hear that song, everything in your world seems right. You feel a certain ownership over the song. For me, that song is "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles. I have been listening to this song for years, since I was a very little girl, and yet every time I hear it, it's like listening to it for the first time.

Today would be the perfect day for me to listen to that song. Another dreary, rainy day for the big windy city. Puts a damper in my mood. (Yes, the pun was completely intentional and I'm not ashamed of it's over all cheesyness.) It's so hard to function when the weather is so miserable. Something that helped alter that mood was seeing Kathy Griffin last night. Hilarious. She brought much needed laughter to my stressful week. What was particularly nice about the situation is I got the ticket for free. Nothing feels better than the word "Free." A word we do not come across often anymore, but when we do, we appreciate it greatly.

Tonight I'm going to see a friend's band perform (Where Astronauts Go To Hide). They're good. They have a modern folky sound to them, some what similar to a modern day Dylan. I'm supposed to be making their website for them, but with work and school, I've fallen a bit behind on my promise to them, but I have taken a lot of photography for them and am going to try to take some promo shots for them tonight.

The whole point of this blog is to share with you my love of art, food, music, etc. I intended to share pictures and stories and recipes, but unfortunately nothing exciting has come to my life and if it has, I haven't had time to document it to share you, but I do promise to have some things soon. I plan to bake pumpkin muffins with cream cheese fillings this Sunday, so hopefully I'll have a good recipe and pictures to share. Until then....

2009-10-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

This morning I was riding the busy train to work, observing all the strangers. I'm always amazed at the persistence and rush that is instilled in people so much that they soon become angry, unpleasant versions of themselves. I am guilty of this state of urgency when I'm on my way to work. Trying to push myself onto an already packed train, running up a flight a stairs so I don't miss the doors closing, but what for? I found myself being a bit of a contradiction. In my heart I was calm, cool, collected and uncaring about time. I listened to Madeleine Peyroux in my headset, letting her light jazz calm my nerves and take me far away, yet every 5 minutes I was checking me watch to see what time it was and if I was going to be late to work. I looked around at the majority of unhappy faces and I realized that I didn't want to look like them. I didn't want to become the angry working dead.

I am trying harder every day to stop and think before I react. It's easy to get so caught up in emotion that we just react on impulse, sometimes causing more of a problem than we had started out with. We yell and get tense and angry before analyzing the situation or even considering what it's worth. Your roommate left a dish in the sink even though the dishwasher is empty. You're immediate reaction is to yell at them and point out that the dishwasher was empty and that it's just as easy to put it in the dishwasher as it is to put it in the sink. But step back and analyze. Sure the dish might get put into the dishwasher, but it might cost you a relationship with you're roommate. Sometimes we forget what's important. We forget what really matters. Yes, showing up to work on time is important, but if you stress about getting their so much that you become tense and angry, you'll be miserable for the rest of the day and, consequently, the rest of your career.

Sometimes, it's important to stop and say, "This isn't a catastrophe. It's an inconvenience." And all inconveniences can be overcome.

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." - Buddha

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey...

2009-10-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

Cold, rainy days in succession. Radiators hissing from room to room. Noses sniffing all around you. These are truly the days of fall. I find myself guilty of the stuffy nose. Fall is by far my favorite time of year. It's when the colors are most enjoyable and I am free to do more cooking, baking and crafting. My creative juices flow and my spare time is filled with little ideas that slowly start to make their way out of my brain and into my hands. However, this year, working a full time job and taking night classes has made my spare time even more sparse, and my energy lacking. Yet my brain keeps it's course, and if I can some how get my brain to convince my body it's worth it, I will complete my little projects and then I can share them with you, whomever seems to stumble upon this blog and find it remotely interesting.